One of my least favorite social media-isms is the image of a middle-aged woman with six-pack abs and several young children around her, captioned, “What’s your excuse?” The implication is that if you don’t have a lean, muscular body, you must be making excuses, because if this random woman can do it, why can’t you?
While it’s cloaked as motivation, it actually has the exact opposite effect. Its purpose is to shame. The realities of this woman’s life are likely very different from ours: maybe she doesn’t work, maybe she has full-time childcare, maybe she has superior genetics, or maybe the picture is airbrushed or enhanced with AI. Who knows?
Self-Shaming for Motivation Doesn’t Work
Many people think they need to be hard on themselves to get results. When they don’t live up to some impossible standard, they blame themselves for not being motivated or disciplined enough. People tend to dismiss all the great things they do, like running a fast-paced household, maintaining a high-demand career, raising little humans, and instead put all their focus on where they feel they are falling short.
When I ask my clients to celebrate their wins, sometimes they tell me it feels like making excuses or letting themselves off the hook. “What do you mean I should celebrate? I did a 15-minute workout in my living room one time last week, when I know I ‘should’ be working out for an hour three times a week.” They think being hard on themselves about what they didn’t do will somehow motivate them. But if this strategy worked long term, wouldn’t it have worked by now? Self-shaming triggers a stress response and can lead to avoidance, while self-compassion can build confidence and healthy habits.
Why Micro-Wins Beat All-or-Nothing Mindsets
Turns out, blaming and shaming yourself into working out or eating better isn’t an effective long-term strategy. We are far more motivated by positive reinforcement than negative.
If you don't celebrate that 15-minute workout, you might stop altogether. “What’s the point?” The point is that 15-minute workout builds a habit just as much as it builds physical strength. When you build a foundation of a few minutes a day, you can always expand on it over time. Smaller, consistent effort reduces the friction to begin, establishes your identity as someone who exercises regularly, and builds mental pathways more effectively than irregular, longer workouts. If you do nothing but beat yourself up for missing an hour, you won’t allow yourself to build new habits or improve your fitness. Which outcome actually serves you better?
Every Choice Solves a Problem
The truth is, most of our habits, good and bad, solve a problem. If you’re putting off a workout for a Netflix marathon, you are giving yourself mental downtime and relaxation. When you eat ice cream, it makes you feel good.
Last week in my nutrition post, I talked about asking yourself, “What am I getting out of this?” That exact question applies here.
When you get intentional, you can weigh the pros and cons, celebrate wins for what they give you, and make peace with the trade-offs. What problem are you solving with the choice you are making? What is it costing you?
For example: You turned off the alarm and slept in instead of working out before work. The benefit here is that you gave your body rest. The trade-off might have been missing your morning workout and not getting structured movement in for the day. This is where you weigh the pros and cons. Rest is a real benefit, especially if you're sleep-deprived. Own your choice, be realistic about what it might be costing you, and move on, guilt free.
It becomes a problem only when you spend the day feeling guilty and slapping a label like "lazy" on yourself. So many of my hard-working, highly driven clients look me right in the eye and tell me that they are lazy (when the reality of their day to day life tells another story). You aren't lazy because you were exhausted and chose to sleep in; you chose what your body needed. The way you talk to yourself matters, so be intentional about the identity you're building.
If you missed your planned structured workout and decided to do a 15-minute living room workout later in the day, that's a great choice. You get movement, habit-building, a sense of accomplishment, and another confirmation that you keep the promises you make to yourself- all wins. In this scenario, you might also accept that shorter or fewer workouts may be a slower path to your goals. Accepting a realistic pace that fits your life beats quitting because you couldn’t maintain an unrealistic schedule.
SPOILER ALERT: COACHES ARE HUMAN TOO
I catch myself falling into this exact mindset, too, even though I know better (and you probably do too).
A couple of Sundays ago, I ran 11 miles as a training run for the BMW Dallas half marathon in December. I felt okay but tired that day, but it knocked me off track for a few days after. I ended up missing several strength workouts and my other two running workouts for the week. I took it as a sign that my body needed rest, even though my activity trackers were generally giving me "ready to train" indicators. I had a strong aversion to working out with any intensity, which can be a sign that your body needs more rest, especially if you usually don't have trouble staying consistent.
I was feeling bad about not maintaining my regular schedule, even though I did a couple of workouts, lots of walking, and Yoga every night. I skipped the hard stuff. It is funny because I write blog posts and client check-in responses over and over about not beating yourself up, but that little voice in my own head started saying, "You're getting off track, you're messing up!" And if I am being honest, I was believing it.
Except at the end of the month, Strava gave me my monthly recap. Even though I wobbled a bit in October (not just that one week, but a bit throughout the month), I still hit 189 running and walking miles, (more than half of that was walking). I logged several activities each day that added up to an average of two hours daily for the month.
Of course, a big portion of this was low-intensity walking, but it was a great reminder that all movement counts. Even if I didn't do what I felt like I was "supposed" to be doing, I still kept moving my body. That, my friends, is what you call a win. There is no benefit on dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, woulda.
So I take my own advice: stop giving myself grief over what I didn't do, celebrate those real wins, and accept that what I did was good enough, while setting goals for what I want to achieve next month.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?
Instead of asking blaming and shaming, ask yourself today: What am I getting out of this choice? What does it cost me? Am I okay with the trade-off? Celebrate what you did, drop the guilt for what you didn't, and keep moving forward.
Shame vs. Compassion:
Self-shaming activates a stress response, driving avoidance and guilt. Self-compassion lowers stress and supports consistent action.
Micro-Wins Build Identity:
A 15-minute home workout reinforces your identity as someone who exercises far more effectively than an all-or-nothing mindset that leads to quitting.
Choices Solve Problems:
Every choice has a benefit and a trade-off. Choosing extra rest when exhausted solves the problem of recovery, even if it trades off structured movement for that day.
All Movement Counts:
High-intensity workouts aren't the only ones that count. Consistent, lower-intensity activity such as walking or restorative Yoga, adds up significantly over time.
Does this help you think a little different about the choices you make?
Lea
Lea Genders is a board-certified health coach, personal trainer, and workplace wellness consultant based in Fort Worth, TX. She offers corporate wellness programs for employee health and productivity, as well as in-person and virtual training / coaching for individuals worldwide. Her blog shares expert guidance on strength training, running, and sustainable nutrition @fortworth_trainer
The "What’s your excuse?" fitness culture relies on shame, not real motivation. Here is why self-shaming fails to build long-term consistency, and how micro-wins and self-compassion help you create lasting habits that fit your real life.